drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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