I accidentally had phone sex last night
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
