Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
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