i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
