I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Randomize
