I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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