i think i have two assholes
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
You ruined the universe
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
