Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
