as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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