Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
