Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
