So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
only you would photoshop your dick
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
