She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
