I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
