bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
