Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
