I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
