This is not my ceiling
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Randomize
