I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
