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I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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