Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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