Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
