I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
