I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
He kissed a someone with a penis
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Randomize
