tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize