kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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