I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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