In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
