party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Randomize
