I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
