grandma shit on top of the toilet
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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