You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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