Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
Randomize
