Where did you get a picture of my penis
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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