Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
