When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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