If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize