Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Randomize
