I like to think it a success when the cops are called
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Randomize
