ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Randomize
