Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
farters have to be the big spoon...
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
