my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
