One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
