My underwear smells like fireworks.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
two words...techno handjob
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Randomize
