Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize