It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
