how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
