my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Randomize