I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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