neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Randomize
