Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
high people should be assigned attendants
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
