How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Randomize
