They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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