Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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