just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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