Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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