That's when you crack a 10am beer
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
