the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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