hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
