Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
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