Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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