He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
