Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
