i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
