The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
